Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Her Safeword Was Goodbye


I do this joke on my latest album, Atheist Christmas.
I told it last week at The Punch Line in Sacramento, and I tagged it with, "If any of you know a few chords on the guitar and some words that rhyme with goodbye, hit me up after the show. We could have a hit."

Well, much to my delight, an audience member, Joshua Goodman actually took me up on this and sent me this original song based on my joke:


Lyrics:
I met Susie Mae last summer down at the rodeo.
I prayed to baby Jesus asking how far things would go.
She went to church on Sundays but she sinned the other six.
If only birth control came with that silver crucifix.
We had a laugh and we had a bite and then I walked her home.
I asked her why she had a pair of naked garden gnomes.
Don't mind that she said and then she led me to her room.
She winked and whispered in my ear we'll all be naked soon.

Susie Mae she broke my heart. Susie Mae made me cry. I wonder now how many other broken hearted guys.
Susie Mae she left me. When people ask me why, I tell them that her safeword was goodbye.

She had some toys I can't describe, I'm not sure what they did.
She tied me up in handcuffs made me act just like a kid.
The things she made me do I can't explain some memories repress.
But I won't forget how she looked in that latex dress

Susie Mae she broke my heart. Susie Mae made me cry. I wonder now how many other broken hearted guys.
Susie Mae she left me. When people ask me why, I tell them that her safeword was goodbye.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Atheist Christmas, Out Now

I kept the name! We had an offer from the largest Video On Demand and Pay Per View distributor in the country. We were excited. But then, they said they would only carry the special if we changed the name. It seems Atheist is still a bad word in many circles. So, they had to go screw.
But hey, nobody else asked us to change the name, so you can watch on Amazon, iTunes, or on DVD, and hear it too (The CD is from a different show taped two nights later.) Enjoy!

Atheist Christmas,  is for sale.

The physical product features both the DVD and CD.
Buy it here: http://amzn.to/1wMmge2

For the digital versions:
Audio on iTunes: http://bit.ly/1tQPlYz
Video on Amazon: http://amzn.to/1pzNl70
Audio on Amazon: http://amzn.to/1pxj6xN

Click to enlarge, and hear what people are saying
...and remember I have three other albums out on iTunes, Amazon, and at KLJShop.com. THANKS!

Friday, November 7, 2014

You Can Pre-Order Atheist Christmas Now!

UPDATE: Atheist Christmas,  is for sale.

The physical product features both the DVD AND the CD, I promise.
It got listed weird, which we're trying to fix, but if you look it says "Number of Discs: 2". That 2nd disc is the DVD.
Buy it here: http://amzn.to/1wMmge2

For the digital versions:
Video on Amazon: http://amzn.to/1pzNl70
Audio on Amazon: http://amzn.to/1pxj6xN
Audio on iTunes: http://bit.ly/1tQPlYz

...and remember I have three other albums out on iTunes, Amazon, and at KLJShop.com. THANKS!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Johnny Taylor "Tangled Up In Plaid"

I have a huge bias here, as Johnny Taylor is one of my best friends, but we sought each other out to work together and then became friends because we liked each other's comedy, and Johnny's first album captures what it is that I love about his stand up.

His slow, steady delivery, amazing story telling, and dark sensibilities are all present. It's confidence to the point of arrogance the way he refuses to "sell" the jokes. He puts 'em out there patiently, and lets the writing get whatever laugh it's gonna get. The laughs come through.

The one point where a particularly dark joke doesn't get a laugh from the crowd gets one from the comic as he relishes in the shocked silence. If you're not familiar with Johnny Taylor's comedy, please don't think I'm describing a "shock" comic, not at all. Johnny's shocks come from an honest and sincere place where he doesn't steer clear of them rather than mining them for cheap thrills. He is the real deal.

I'm excited that this is coming out on Sept 23rd from Stand Up! Records.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My First Viking Funeral

My daughter keeps day pets. Anything she can catch we let her keep for a day and then she lets them go again. She felt terrible when her centipede didn't make it to the release party and asked if she could give her a viking funeral. My wife helped make it so. I came home on my lunch break to attend my first viking funeral.
The Deceased

The Viking Ship (with leaves for fuel)

The Ocean

My Daughter Says a Few Words

Setting Sail

Mama Supplies The Flaming Arrows

The Boat Sinks (with a bit of help)



Monday, July 21, 2014

Fighting With The Parking Tyrant at The State Fair

Parking lot guy at Cal Expo: Sorry, cash only.

Me: Oh, um, I don't think I have cash.

Guy: You can go out the first exit and find an ATM. Come back, have fun.

Me: Oh, just a minute, I have quarters.

Guy: You can't pay in quarters.

Me: What!? Sure I can. This is legal tender.

Guy: No. I'm not gonna take your quarters.

Me: Yes you are. I'm going to pay ten dollars in quarters, and then I'm going to go park.

Guy: Sir, there are people behind you in line. I'm not going to make them wait while you count out ten dollars in quarters. Go to an ATM, come back, have fun.

Me: You're spending more time arguing with me than it would have taken to count the quarters.

Guy: I'm not taking the quarters.

Me: Yes you are. (And I take my keys out and set them on the passenger seat.) You go ahead and contact your manager, the cops, tow company, whatever you have to do to move my car. I'll wait here. Or you can just take my fucking quarters.

Guy: ... Give me the quarters.

It took about a minute to count ten piles of four quarters each. He handed me my parking pass and said again, less cheerfully, "Have fun."

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Is your roommate gay?

The following is an actual phone conversation that took place in the early 90s:

My landlord Mike: Keith, is your roommate gay?
Me: Yeah, Mike.
Mike: Why do you wanna live with a gay guy?
Me: I like the swishy way he always pays his rent on time.
Mike: Well the guys next door (Mike rented the house next to ours to a fraternity) said that he was on your back porch looking at their dicks.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, I'll look into that.
Mike: Please do. That's not okay.
Me: Right. One quick question though; What were their dicks doing out on the back porch? Could you find that out for me?
Mike: ... Make sure to get the rent check in on time.
CLICK

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Maxine The Vampire Slayer

They were running every test known to man on my four year old daughter Max, because they do that with the wee ones, just to stay ahead of anything that might be going screwy. They needed a good amount of blood and when you're tiny you don't give too much blood at once. So, we arranged three visits in three days, with a sticker and a lollipop and the end of each.

Max did pretty well on visit one, sitting on mommy's lap. Visit two was a bit more of a fight. Visit three she was over it and resisted hard.

When the phlebotomist stuck the needle in her right arm and wasn't able to get any blood they announced they'd have to switch arms. Well Max wasn't having it. "YOU SAID THREE! YOU SAID THREE TIMES NOT FOUR!" and of course she was right. But her parents, traitors that we are, said "Come on Max, we're already here, lets get it done and you won't have to come back."

My wife had Max on her lap, was holding both of her hands, and had a leg wrapped around the front blocking Max's feet. The kid was secured like Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, she is also as crafty. One phlebotomist having already failed moved aside and another leaned in to try and draw the blood. She leaned over and my sweet daughter saw her opportunity; she headbutted the lab-coat clad lady in the face. Lab-coat had seen it coming and pulled back avoiding any real damage. I said, "Max, NO!" Ignoring me completely Max looked her enemy in the eye and said very clearly, "I will punch you in the face!" and when the vampire went back to trying to place the needle, Max said, "If you put that needle in my arm I will punch it out!"

At the time I was shocked and worried, but the more I thought about the less concerned I was. It was an extreme situation. They HAD in fact made a deal and reneged on it, and it's nice to know my kid can take care of herself. That headbutt was kind of beautiful really.

To put it more succinctly, yes, my daughter did headbutt a phlebotomist, but the fiend was trying to stab her!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

A Visit From Jehovah's Witnesses

My wife politely let the two Jehovah's Witness ladies at our door know that we're atheists and then she invited them in because it was 103 out.

When they asked whose picture was on the wall my 4 year old daughter Max very matter-of-factly told them, "That's Louis Armstrong. He's not as good as my trumpet playing hero Dizzy Gillespie." Then she taught them all about dragons and dragon related accessories.

Monday, June 30, 2014

A Note From A Mother of An Angel

Some time ago a woman wrote me to very politely and very matter of factly let me know that I was mistaken, God is real, and we'll be united with our loved ones in heaven.

I clicked on her profile and saw that she was very active in Mothers of Angels groups. These are groups for people who've lost a child.

I felt a cringe and an ache seeing that they have special decals they put on their cars so the sticker of a mom, dad, and children can also reflect children who have died represented by an angel with halo and wings.
She had poems and remembrances all over her timeline memorializing her angel.

I wrote her back and said "Thank you very much for the information and concern."